Day 121

I must have thought too much again. I don’t know why I always do that but yea.. I did. Thanks for letting me understand what happened. I understand that separation is a cruel and sad thing but I just want to let you know.. We’ll still be friends. We may lose contact, we may talk less, we may never see each other again but we’ll still be friends. I’m just a call away and I’ll forever be supporting you, spiritually.

If ever one day you decide to just stop and I’m not there.. I want you to remember this.. Never give up! No matter how tough the situation is.. never bring yourself down with it. You may feel weak from all that had happened but there will always be people supporting you all the way and I’m one of them.

To all my friends and love ones out there.. I really miss you all. How are you doing? Thinking how I have not seen you all for so long just makes me want to cry. I just want to say, thanks. Thanks for giving us a chance to be the greatest of friends.

Day 115

Seeing the cursor blinking.. so does my mind. I don’t know what to write and what to say. What I feared of happening, happened. Things that once occurred 5 years back. Why must the incident repeat itself. You know I hate situations like this and yet… hai.. I’m so tired from facing the same thing again. I want to confront you but how? Can I just go up and ask why are you ignoring me or must I wait until I hear from someone else what happened between us? You seem so calm, like nothing happened. Am I suppose to feel the same too?

I’m afraid to hear what you’re going to say. I’m afraid it’s not what I wanted to hear and yet, the exact opposite. Can you don’t make me feel so much pain? I wanted to believe you, believe in our friendship but how?

Exams are coming soon. Starting on the 24th Feb until 4th March. That will be the end of my poly life. The part of my life that I wanted to give up most of the time.

"How can I believe you when in the middle of believe is the word lie??"

Day 106

Can’t believe it has already been more than 100 days since I first let you go. You know.. I still think of you sometimes.. especially during my loneliest times. Strange thing.. when you’re lonely, you tend to think of the person who you miss the most. Lately, I have that feeling. Guess it’s because I’m just being emotional.

I’ve been asking myself these questions lately:

What do you do when memories of the past flashback in front of you? When you go to those places that gives you the deepest impression? When you sit alone and all you can think about is the person you miss but you cannot see or talk to that person due to distance?

I knew the questions but I cannot answered any of them. I really want to talk to you. To have someone listen to me when I’m down or to listen to you when you’re sad and troubled. It’s true.. distance matters the most.

Day 93

WOW…. This is amazing.. can’t believe the years pass by so fast.. it’s already 2010!!

FIRST OFF, to everyone reading, I WISH you ALL A VEry VERY:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Well.. I know I’m kinda late too but..

Merry XmAS TO ALL!!!

It’s a whole new year which means.. a whole new beginning for everyone.. new goals, new aims, new perspective and most importantly… new start and definitely a good start ahead. So, let’s forget all the past sadness or any unhappy events and lead a happy, joyous and wonderful every-day. Haha… easy to say but hard to do right?? Well.. let’s be optimistic yea!!

Today is my last day in Brunei for this holiday. So so fast.. I’ve stayed here since Christmas and now I’m leaving again.. I know.. I can’t stay no matter how hard I yearn to but I’ll definitely miss my time here.. No worries..I’LL BE BACK!!! COUNT ON IT!! Haha…

Activities for today:

1) Stayed at home help my dad burn some Cds

2) Went to JP with my friends

3) Continue burning Cds

JP has changed alot.. Now, there are two copper horses seen right near the entrance. Even my favourite sand-digger machine is gone. Well.. guess I have not been back there in a while. Lots of fun filled memories of my childhood and my precious moments are mostly from there. So, what can I say.. it just saddens me when I start to think back of my past. Time with family and friends. If only there weren’t that many people around. Sometimes.. I feel that it’s better to be in a memorable place which at the moment has no one around. Then only you can really think of the great past.

It’s true.. not all childhood memories are all the same.. and definitely not all are happy but if I can, I really would like to relive mine.

Happy HAPPY HaPPy happy!!

Day 88

Guess what.. I’m in Brunei now… yea.. back to my hometown.. to where it all started. Been busy lately tho.. School work, friends and family. Time just seem so short. A lot of people have been asking.. why can’t there be more than 24 hours in a day. Haha.. just imagine.. if there is more.. will we be greedy and ask for even more?? Yea.. humans are greedy and well.. that’s how it is.

If feels so good.. to sleep in my own bed, to see my lovely dogs, to drive around the city, to see my parents and my friends who are still here. I don’t feel like going back but I have to. Soon, I might be even further from home, probably halfway around the world. Think going home then will be even harder.

~Feeling the flow of time through my fingers~

Day 77

Before I start off with how I feel.. let me wish my close buddy, MAble, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

MAB… HAPPY HaPPy haPPy 20th

BirTHDaY!!

Aww.. you’re getting older.. hehehe.. nvm.. I’ll join you soon!!! In a few few more months..

I’ve known mab since secondary 1. We were in the same class together for 5 super long years and yes.. it was an enjoyable and unforgettable moment. Well, initially we weren’t that close but we grew closer when we were in Sec 3 onwards. Coincidentally, we’re also in the same house.. Mab, still remember Macdougall??? haaha… Well.. dun think I had the wrong spelling.

Anyway, we bonded and even form a group, JMS with 6 others, Janice, Jiya, Mab, Shin Yen, Sophia and SS. Hai.. those were the times.. Now, everyone’s separated in different parts of the world but maybe.. just maybe.. we can meet again someday. We’ll never know what the future holds but we can only hope for the best. Good times and bad times.. we stuck together and we always will. I know you’re busy with all your work and have no time for me but like I said, take time off and try relaxing ok?? You’ll never know.. maybe you’ll get an inspiration after that. Hahahaha….

Once again, enjoy your day to the max k?? Our birthdays happens only once a year.. so.. don’t neglect boh.. *huGgieS*

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Hmm… what just happened??? I tried not to get involved… and yes, I didn’t. But.. I’m not sure why.. I’m feeling so horrible now. How can I let you cry and not try to comfort you in any way?? I’m afraid.. I really am.. I treat you as a buddy.. a friend and yet, at your saddest moment, I can’t help because I’m scared. Scared of how you’ll react to my help. I see you cry, I hear your sad sob and my heart breaks. I wanted you to feel better but I know I’m in no position to say anything. You treat me like your own daughter even when I’m just a stranger and in turn, all I can give is words of comfort. But just now, I was too scared.. I didn’t do or say anything.. I just let you continue to cry, hoping that you’ll feel better after crying but you just left. You left.. alone.

I once mentioned I’m a timid person. I can’t open my heart fully and what just happened really proves me right. I’m afraid that once I open my heart, you’ll depend more on me or I become dependent on you.. What will happen if one day, I left or you leave?? How will I feel then?? Even more than pain or just empty?? I had this feeling once before.. actually more than once.. so I guess.. this is my way of protecting myself. I want to help you but how?? I don’t know how I’m going to face you.. Will I see your teary eyes once more or will I see a broken smile on your face?? I pray that you’ll be fine and I really hope that my prayer can be answered. Although I have not known you for long, you became important to me and I know I am to you too.

The world isn’t a fair place. This, I should know. But.. one thing is… we’ve been given support in the form of friends, family and even strangers. The only problem is, we don’t know who they really are. Human nature is a strange thing. We always looked very far in search of something we want.. but we never take the time to appreciate those around our surroundings. I admit.. it’s true. That’s why sometimes.. we were told that we take things for granted. We never value what was given, only to reminisced later on.

"Please cheer up.."

Day 76

Finally my exams are over.. well.. not completely but almost.. 3 more months till graduation and I’ll be gone.. Gone from this place where I grew to understand more about myself and the people around me.. What kind of person I am and the true nature of others. Don’t be mad… I’m not implying anything bad. I’m not sure why.. but it’s only here that I can really see one’s heart. Maybe everyone’s too busy pursuing something except me..

Yesterday, I came across a performance by a group of harpist. They’re extremely experienced in their playing until I became so mesmerized by them. There is this one song in particular, Nightingale. I heard of the name before but never actually heard of the song. It was a very nice and soothing piece. I’m not exactly sure who was the real composer but if you have a chance.. try and listen to the song. It’s truly breath-taking.

In every orchestral or musical, the conductor is the most important part of it. Without a composer, the rest may not know how to pace their music and rhythm. What I’m trying to say is.. to the others, the conductor may just seem to be the person holding a stick and standing in the front but to the musical, it’s their guardian.

" Is there a conductor in everyone's life? If there is, where's mine??"

Day 63

I have been blogging more recently.. Not sure why.. guess it’s just a way for me to relax and unwind since I’m quite stress lately due to my exams..

I’ve been a very dependent person ever since young.. parents, friends, love ones.. anyone that can make me feel that I have a bond or a connection with even if I have just met that person for a few hours. I’m not sure why I’m like this but this is really really suffocating for me.. The feeling of wanting to hold someone close but the other person just treats you like the “hi” friend.

I want to get this habit out from me.. no.. I NEED TO!! I used to think 1 year of friendship can be as close as 5 years of friendship. I’ll always be a bystander.. thinking why is my perception wrong.. what did I do wrong that I’m not close.. maybe I’m just obsessed you know?? Obsessed having people around. Hmm.. I really want to be free and independent.. not relying on anyone but I don’t think I can.. Funny right.. how hard it is to change a character or an old habit??

Day 62

I believe it’s normal to feel the way I’m feeling. Lack of sleep, stress, being pressurized, constant headache, nervous breakdown. I mean.. who doesn’t unless their not a human. I’ve been feeling all these lately.. Until I fell sick. Strange thing is.. I even lost my voice and strength to move. Nevertheless.. I have to even if I can’t. If not, I’ll be a vegetable. Well.. I’m not saying we shouldn’t rest once in a while.. we actually should.. To clear our heads off work, studies, basically, all those that cause us to experience all those symptoms in the first place.

True, rest is important.. but the thing is.. we shouldn’t rest for too long. We’re all created for a reason.. To do the most while we are still alive.. and that’s our aim.. At times when we’re too blinded by all the sufferings we go through, all we see is darkness and all we can feel is failure.

If you have seen my blog recently, you’ll understand what I meant. I wanted to stay happy and live up to my own expectations but sometimes it’s really too hard without help, support and most importantly, a goal. Once you lost the goal in life.. everything seems to be over right?? Well.. wrong.. I’ve always fail to realise that. Actually.. until now I still have not realised it. I won’t give up until I find a future of what I want so.. you all shouldn’t too..

"Even the slightest amount of hope can bring life to a dead soul that strives to live"

Day 60

Exams again.. It’s been a while since I last cramp my head with studies.. well.. guess now’s a good time for it. I guess I’ve been too cooped up with all the worries that I can’t really focus on my work.. Well.. like I said previously.. all I can do now is just wait and pray. Before that, I have to study hard. JiA yoU everyone!!

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I admit.. I lost my ability to open my heart. I don’t know when I lost it or when I close it up but it seems like it’s hard for me to open it now. You saw thru me but I kept denying. Maybe.. it’s just a way to prevent myself from getting hurt?? Is it? Or am i just someone who never show others how I TRULY feel?? Can I open my heart again or.. have I ever open up before??

 

edited

Maybe you shouldn’t have known me deeper than you have and maybe I also shouldn’t have known you so deep until I can’t think anymore..