Day 62

I believe it’s normal to feel the way I’m feeling. Lack of sleep, stress, being pressurized, constant headache, nervous breakdown. I mean.. who doesn’t unless their not a human. I’ve been feeling all these lately.. Until I fell sick. Strange thing is.. I even lost my voice and strength to move. Nevertheless.. I have to even if I can’t. If not, I’ll be a vegetable. Well.. I’m not saying we shouldn’t rest once in a while.. we actually should.. To clear our heads off work, studies, basically, all those that cause us to experience all those symptoms in the first place.

True, rest is important.. but the thing is.. we shouldn’t rest for too long. We’re all created for a reason.. To do the most while we are still alive.. and that’s our aim.. At times when we’re too blinded by all the sufferings we go through, all we see is darkness and all we can feel is failure.

If you have seen my blog recently, you’ll understand what I meant. I wanted to stay happy and live up to my own expectations but sometimes it’s really too hard without help, support and most importantly, a goal. Once you lost the goal in life.. everything seems to be over right?? Well.. wrong.. I’ve always fail to realise that. Actually.. until now I still have not realised it. I won’t give up until I find a future of what I want so.. you all shouldn’t too..

"Even the slightest amount of hope can bring life to a dead soul that strives to live"

Day 60

Exams again.. It’s been a while since I last cramp my head with studies.. well.. guess now’s a good time for it. I guess I’ve been too cooped up with all the worries that I can’t really focus on my work.. Well.. like I said previously.. all I can do now is just wait and pray. Before that, I have to study hard. JiA yoU everyone!!

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I admit.. I lost my ability to open my heart. I don’t know when I lost it or when I close it up but it seems like it’s hard for me to open it now. You saw thru me but I kept denying. Maybe.. it’s just a way to prevent myself from getting hurt?? Is it? Or am i just someone who never show others how I TRULY feel?? Can I open my heart again or.. have I ever open up before??

 

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Maybe you shouldn’t have known me deeper than you have and maybe I also shouldn’t have known you so deep until I can’t think anymore..

Day 58 (MY NUMBER!!)

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO many things to do…… I’m so so so so tired… Ah… what happen to my once bright future???

Ok… let me explain first… recently at my school, there is this future career and education exhibition. As always, I went to check out the IDP booth (for further study in Australia) and asked what are my chances of studying in the University of Queensland and guess what… the person told me..

” You’re chances are very slim”

Immediately my hopes crushed.. I mean.. I’ve been looking forward for it and now they’re telling me that I have little chance?? Well.. reason?? It was because the course I’m studying now which is Biotechnology is unrelated to Veterinary Science. Umm.. come on.. both are sciences subjects. WTH!!!

Anyway, so.. since yesterday till now..I’ve been looking for alternatives and spamming e-mails to universities in Australia and UK.. Just hope I can at least have some news… Ah!!! freaking hell.. What should I do??? Hmm.. maybe I should just stop studying and just work.. But.. I want to be a vet.. Why.. why…. Oh… forgot to mention.. I receive a reply from Royal Veterinary College, University of London.. Well.. they say they may consider but I need to do so so so many things.. I have to apply thru UCAS, then I must apply for Visa, then I must take this BMAT (Biomedical Assessment Test). It’s like a test for A level students.. Bad news right?? I totally forgot my secondary stuff.. how am I going to take this test.. OK.. Visa is ok.. no problem.. but test… AH!!! Help.. help.. I need to go buy the book fast.. Hmm.. application for both the BMAT and RVC has already closed so I have to wait till next year.. You know.. the BMAT only occur once a year.. haha.. So.. what are my chances now??

 

~Pray, pray pray...~

Is this it??

I told you a secret and made you promise to keep it in silence. You’re the person whom I trust, respect and love the most. Yet, in the end you told someone else about it.. You know how I felt just now?? Having to hear my secret exposed after you made a promise.. I really don’t know how to react. Worse still, you got criticized by others because of me.

Initially, I’m really angry.. but now I realized.. I’m wrong.. all you did was for my sake. You cared so much for me and all I can think of is how you betrayed me. I’m sorry. I really am.. I’m sorry that you have been criticized and taken the blame for me. I was harsh just now. I’m sorry. I wish I can apologize to you in person but I don’t think I can bring myself to it. You’re the person I love and even if other people say something bad about you, I’ll find a way to defend you. Even if I can’t, I’ll at least share the same feeling that you have to go through.

Without you, I won’t be here right now. I won’t even exist. But you know, maybe it’s a bad idea for me to be here in the first place. I’ve caused so much trouble to so many people especially the ones I care for. Maybe, I’m just not worth it. All the hard work you had to go through for me and yet… maybe.. I’m just a nuisance.

There’s been just so many things I’ve done wrong lately.. I’m sorry.

Day 43

It’s been a while.. Yesterday was my father’s birthday.. So, I would like to say…

DADDY!!!! HAPPY 55th BIRTHDAY!!! I LOVE

YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!

Was suppose to go online and sing a birthday song for you but I didn’t.. Sorry daddy.. Don’t be angry ok?? Daddy, thank you for looking after me for 19 years and more.. You’re the best dad I ever had and I’m sorry if i ever make you angry. Since young, you have given me everything I’ve wanted.. so.. what do you want?? I buy for you?? Hehe… *hugS.. MwaACKz!!!!

Daniel, Happy HAPPY Belated BIRTHDAY!!!

 

sorry I didn’t message you or send you a happy birthday greeting.. If you’re wondering if I have forgotten.. NOPE!! I didn’t.. Hehe… Hope you enjoy your birthday yea.. Stay happy always and enjoy!!! *hugS

Huiwen Jie, HapPPY HaPPY BIRThDAy!!!!

Well.. I know your birthday is over but I wish you a Happy BrithdaY!!! may all your dreams and wishes come true!! I’ll tell you a secret ok?? Even if your birthday is over… doesn’t mean you should stop enjoying yourself.. SO ENJOY!!! hehe..Take good care ok?? I’ll see you when I see you. Till then, stay happy always!!

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Today’s raining very heavily…thundering and lightning.. Been very tired and moody… I need a piece of advice.. who can give it to me?? I dunno what to do… Someone once told me.. after you graduate and go overseas.. it’s all over.. all the friends you made, all the efforts you put into knowing someone.. Somehow.. they will disappear. I don’t want it to be true.. but why does it seems like it’s happening??!!?? I don’t have confidence in myself anymore.. Can I still open my heart to others?? I want to be close.. but something is preventing me from doing so.. I don’t want to be hurt.. is shutting myself the only way?? 

"I'm afraid.. I'm really scared"

Day 30

You know what I hate most?? Knowing the people who you care for are feeling hurt and troubled. Yet, you can’t do anything about it. I wish I could help… but what can I do?? You’re so far away from me..

"I'll always be your support. All you need is to ask.."

Day 26

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately… I told myself to cheer up but it’s true..no one can be happy everyday. Suddenly seeing back into my past.. I realized I neglected alot of things.. Opportunities to meet new people and correcting my wrongs into rights. Either I’m too weak or I’m just waiting.. waiting for the right moment to approach.. But.. all my waitings have got me thru this far – still not correcting anything. What happened to me.. Is this part of growing up?? Must I really lose the people I care for?? It’s been great but why can’t I just stand up and tell you that I still want to be friends?? Why can’t I tell you how I feel; instead.. I stood at a corner thinking what I ’should’ have done earlier. Now.. it’s all too late.. You’re gone.. forever and all I can do is regret.

I don’t understand anything about human emotions and thoughts. I don’t understand how the world revolve. I don’t understand why we are what we are. Maybe I’m not making much sense.. I want to go back.. Back to when I can start my life anew and undid all my wrongs.

It’s been a while since I last talk to my friends who left for the UK and study. I wonder how they’re doing. You guys ok?? Everyone is so busy nowadays. Too busy to even sit down on a bench and look at our surroundings. Is this how we should live??

Give it a thought:

“I lied to you because I don’t want to hurt and worry you as you’re the one I care for the most. But, will you still believe me after you know what I’ve done??”

Day 22

It’s been a while since school reopens. Let me think.. today counts the 4th day and well.. school’s ok.. I’ve been trying to not sleep in any classes but guess I’m just too tired from yesterday. I actually slept in my 8am class just now.. but.. only a while. I’m a good girl one you know?? Hehe… Ah.. Now I’m in school using the computer to print my notes.. STUPID PRINTER!!!! BROKE DOWN!!! Especially when I need it the most at this period.. Feel super tired. I want to go home!!!! Another lesson at 2 to 5. Sianz…..

~Sleppy~

P.S. Mable’s coming!!!! SO HAPPY!!!

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Day 14

It seems like my new entries are written every week doesn’t it?? Well, that wasn’t my plan in the first place tho. 2 weeks have passed.. So, here I am. Still in my joyful mood. However.. unlike the other day.. I just have this very weird feeling inside of me.. I don’t understand why but there is this empty feeling like I just got something ripped out of me. Hmm.. maybe I shouldn’t give too much thought into it. It will just make my head spin. Hehe… Oh well… school’s starting next week. I just want to get it over and done with. I know poly is supposedly the best time for me.. but.. I just cannot understand all the ‘politics’ that have been happening so far. It seems never ending especially when you think that it’s the end.

I’ve been thinking to myself lately… will I be ok?? Alot of things had happened with my personal life.. I’ve been thinking..

P.S. Outing with my singapore daddy and grandpa on Friday.. Can’t wait!!! Hehee…